To date or not to date, that is the question (?)
Being independent with a busy job and hobbies does not leave much time for dating. I never mix business and pleasure and at my age, find that meeting new people is hard because my interests have changed and I don’t go out that much, staying within a small closely knit social circle with quality people whom I’ve known for years and whom I trust. A few months ago I received a Facebook notification about Dating. I had just updated my app. Purely out of interest and perhaps some distraction from the humdrum of routine I decided to try it. It was maybe time to do a re-fresher course. I’m old and mature enough to not be a slave to biology, no matter how difficult that is, so what could go wrong right? The following is the story of how it went.
Match and date number one wanted to meet really quickly. A walk in the park (Corona times) and a drink. We both lived in the vicinity of the “big” city. I changed the location at last minute due to a schedule change to which he went along with amicably. It was a good 2.5 hour conversation but there was absolutely no click from my side. He was a nice guy that’s it. We exchanged short life stories, said goodbye, I sent him a meditation app and he messaged a week later mentioning he felt there wasn’t really a click in which he was right. I messaged back confirming and that was nice. Over and out. Decently.
The second date took more time. We chatted for three weeks, messaging everyday. We called, video chatted and due to his pretty hectic work schedule and weekend shifts planned a coffee date in the week in the evening. I liked him before I had even met him. He seemed kind, empathetic, attentive plus of course we had matched by photograph. However, I meet the guy and lo and behold the guy has completely lied about his height! Now I don’t mind short guys although many women do, which is why these men lie about their height on dating apps. They won’t match if they don’t up their height. But surely in the three weeks chatting he could have just casually mentioned….. ? Stunned because immediately I judged him in my head for lying, the date was a flop. I could not find any words to develop a conversation and his one line answers to everything were annoying. He was good looking well built, polite and sweet but no. Lying, no matter about what, or just withholding information when you don't owe each other anything is just a huge no! At the end of the date to my utmost surprise he grabbed me and kissed me passionately and I was really tempted (he was good looking and well built) but I rejected him. In the following week of messages we never spoke about the height but I didn’t mind seeing him again, he was a nice guy and attractive after all. Maybe I should give it a second chance as dating is difficult. But the once perfect text converser went cold when he realised he wasn’t going to have things his way, so that ended that. I was in shock for a few weeks. I had just never thought that after chatting with someone so honestly and intensely for three weeks was going to end in such a surprise! My epiphany was that I was dating to justify why I was single!
The third? No telephone call or long long text conversationalist so a date was set quickly. A walk on the beach with the dog and a drink afterwards. You know instantly if you find someone attractive or not. Biology controls that not you. Well, it was another shock. He looked nothing like the photographs and he was overweight. So my internal mind list was growing…. Don’t talk too much online, meet. Ensure you see full length photographs. Video chat before you meet. The date itself was ok. He had taken a blanket to sit on the beach, the dog was cute, the car was perfect and clean and he drove safely. At the cafe, he also wasn’t too bad a conversationalist but then he said “I am not my body.” He did ice diving and was explaining how he could fend off feeling cold. The conversation got heated (my flaws being that I am intense, opinionated and brutally honest) and I said “Try and put your hand on a hot stove and tell me you’re not your body.” He was not as intelligent as he written his education to be and and also definitely old and photoshopped profile pics. But I messaged him afterwards thanking him for the date and made it clear that there were no further romantic options.
Date number four. So this one was different. Nice profile, full length photos and no chit chat, he gave his number immediately for me to call, ignoring my one or two intro questions, such as “have you been vaccinated” because I had cancelled two previous dates due to their anti-vaccine attitudes. I phoned a few days later. He was an IT specialist so due to my job knowledge, I probe for info on any possible autism, to which he passes off as a joke saying in his job you needed to be. Fair. So, this time we both share the same mother tongue and have similar backgrounds, a plus for sure. We also plan a date pretty quickly as we're both going on holiday soon. He will cycle out of town to my chosen cafe as he doesn’t have a car which is not really okay for me but fine. It was going to be a Sunday as I had Saturday plans. I plan my day around the date time and come out of the garden to shower and get ready but on my phone are two or three messages.. “Are we still on for today… tried to call you… let me know before I make the trek” smilie. Immediately I am put off and just don’t want to go anymore but I message back in another language we both speak and say “yes of course, afspraak is afspraak toch?” I arrive on time knowing he’s going to be late. He had texted back to say he was on his way. He was not too late and I had already ordered an Indian tonic.
Dating apps are like blind dates, even if you match by photograph and profile. They’re awkward, you hardly know each other and it always starts with small chit chat. Soon I go into lengthy detail about current events on the news. It’s 1545 and he wants to eat. I decline and aid the conversation while he eats. It turns out to be a fantastic 5 hour date. I invite him back to my garden house. We have coffee and chat in the garden about literally everything. It’s open, it’s honest, it’s fun and it all feels really natural. Not without one big red flag though. I’m sure in my nervousness and intense chatter I raise them too but within the first hour of the conversation at the cafe he tells me “he’s so rich he doesn’t need to work anymore.” Ok, says my inner voice, cool, so… who gives a damn… what are you trying to prove or had my body language being sending off signals of my earlier irritation? The Tiesto, Flight 643 alarm bells rang loudly. I've had rich boyfriends before and the problem is, they think money buys everything, including relationship effort. But because conversation flowed so smoothly, I gave in to the red flag and let it go. I really find it difficult in dating to find the balance between patience, tolerance and forgiveness and listening to my gut instinct. I am absolutely not desperately looking for someone unless it is a qualitative compliment to my life that I feel is worth exploring. But we should also give people a chance. It’s difficult for both men and women.
When he leaves I tell him I would like to see him again, I had enjoyed it and it seems the feeling is mutual. He pulls me near , plants a soft kiss on my lips, hugs me and tells me I am a lovely lady. It works. I am happy. What a nice guy. Attractive, successful, great conversationalist and sporty. I definitely want to get to know more! That was Sunday. Monday evening he calls. And here is how in 24 hours an almost perfect date went down the drain for me. Suddenly, the guy’s real interests, basketball and playing it with felons on the street had apparently made him think of me because of our discussion on current events the day before. Two days before he had declined a walk because he had thrown his ankle but a day later he’s playing basketball??? Where is the integrity? So I become really uneasy and say so. The conversation becomes intense from my side, he’s obviously lost for words, although we had spoken about a dinner date the following weekend. I realise I need more info before I date this guy again so I ask for his surname, which he gives.
Then suddenly out of the blue, he says “got to go” and hangs up! He immediately texts apologising. I text back jokingly asking “Girlfriend or felons” and thank him for the call. He doesn’t reply. I do some online stalking and well, everything he said checks out. So I’m confused and don’t think I’ll hear from him again. Thursday he texts “are we on for dinner Friday?” I don’t want to go unless I know why he hung up. Is this an honest person? In retrospect, maybe he couldn’t take me being emotional on the phone and didn’t like what I was saying. But then say it right? So I text. “That was the plan but why did you hang up so suddenly. Girlfriend or felons?” To which he arrogantly replied “haha, no girlfriend no felons I’m a busy guy.” So I cooly text “okay, what time and where?” He immediately phones, but I miss it, I call him back, he misses it, then he calls again.
It was not a good conversation. I was cool and cold and he explained he was having difficulty with friends who were arriving that weekend but he was going to stick to our date and he had told them. I gave him the option to cancel but he said no. I told him coldly that I didn’t appreciate how he had hung up and I would never do that to anyone. (Don’t get me wrong, I can accept if you have to go suddenly but with a lame excuse as “I’m busy”? What an insult to my intelligence. ) Yet, against my gut instinct I went on the date and it was a disaster. I was cold, mean and critical in between the second, also good 2 hour conversation. But I took every opportunity to take a jab at him, even though he continued to ask interesting questions about myself. It was a lovely restaurant and he didn’t attack back but it ended as coldly as it had begun. In my defence, I had just finished a hectic last week at work before my holiday and had heard three hours before the date that my outgoing flight in three days had been cancelled! I was super tense.
I felt terrible afterwards though and texted him twice. One to thank him and later to say that I would appreciate a friendship or tennis date but not dating, mentioning that should not have gone on the second date but I liked the conversation with him, busy and felons aside. But alas, Aladdin became Casper and the nice guy who checked many of the boxes but also rose red flags disappeared. Had I cancelled, I don’t know if anything would have changed but at least I wouldn’t have had to feel bad about being nasty to him.
I have now come to doubt the expression “afspraak is afspraak”. Maybe in business it is but not in dating. Plus, i have discovered that when people overstep the boundary of common decency, I do not have much patience.
So I’ve put my dating profile on inactive for a while. But I did have one match and chat still in my box. I am a kind enough person and emotionally mature enough to not just ghost so arranged to meet for a drink late this afternoon. He seems like a decent, humble, stable person with no expectations, like myself. But my god in the dating world, you just never know. There are many cheaters, liars and braggers out there and authenticity is hard to find.
I’d like to say Happy Dating but I think Be Careful Dating is a far better word of advice. Beware of being Catfished and even if no harm is intended, it is also deception. In conclusion, I think I should take dating in doses of 3, then break for peace of mind. One does of course meet interesting people you would never meet in real life due to busy lives and our physical location. But for now, and in the future, I am going to go all out for friendship so there is no dating pressure. Romance happens, it isn't manufactured, and online dating can market it upfront which leaves the essentials of a relationship, the friendship as par for the course. But that is not always the case and friendship takes time to build sex is the easy part.
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