Loving yourself without being selfish
Selling
self-love has become big business and many deal
with the societal pressure by taking more and more selfies, portraying a
perfect
image to the outside world which very often hides everything real that
is going on. Modern day spirituality seems to be about this power we
have in using our free will to always see the positive in ourselves.
While positive thinking is a healthy attribute being realistic is vital
too. Perceptions of self love to my mind have become misinterpreted and
some use it to justify their decisions in booting people out their life
or boosting their ego to ignore the not so nice but real things of life.
This turns self love into complete unhealthy worship of the self, in
the physical, emotional and mental aspects of our being, not the
spiritual place within, where we are all but alone with ourselves.
Our modern instant gratification society drives us to seek constant confirmation or affirmation from the outside. We desire to show confidence, beauty, being hip or just illustrate our control over life and its meaning. But projecting our self love outside is a superficial idea of what it is. For constantly needing to prove ourselves only breeds unhealthy perfectionism, which in turn builds hidden insecurity. The summit of bliss, satisfaction or self contentment is never reached because a constantly fed ego is never fulfilled. The ego will continue to search for attention to balance the deficit of an incomplete self, if it is only concerned with the outside world and trying only to see the good and successful things in our lives. Self-respect on the other hand develops a solid foundation of authentic living, through incremental stages where we can be true to who we are and what is really going on. Self respect leads us to honour both the good and bad in ourselves, which makes us more accepting of and respectful to others. From here, true self worth blossoms into emotional maturity and growth. The journey from self respect to self worth and eventually authentic self love, requires courage, self-trust, honesty, realism and the ability to delay gratification.
Self-love is beyond our busy thoughts or emotional dealings. It is deeper than emotion or thought and definitely beyond the need to show we have it. Self love is independent of the material world and a state of being where we are just love itself. A peaceful contentment that needs no benchmark to measure itself or compare itself to others. It is also the being within, which does not even need a significant other to complete us, for we are in ourselves, complete already.
In the previous blog on "Why romantic love sometimes fails" I explained why falling in love out of need is not love at all and real love only begins when the romantic phase is over. That is because, needing others means we feel somehow incomplete ourselves and this is not self-love. This often leads to us doing everything for our romantic other, to hold onto what we have and we convince ourselves that love is just sacrifice. Thus, many accept disrespect or unhealthy behaviour patterns in their relationships, holding on to the ideal that unconditional love will win the day.
Our modern instant gratification society drives us to seek constant confirmation or affirmation from the outside. We desire to show confidence, beauty, being hip or just illustrate our control over life and its meaning. But projecting our self love outside is a superficial idea of what it is. For constantly needing to prove ourselves only breeds unhealthy perfectionism, which in turn builds hidden insecurity. The summit of bliss, satisfaction or self contentment is never reached because a constantly fed ego is never fulfilled. The ego will continue to search for attention to balance the deficit of an incomplete self, if it is only concerned with the outside world and trying only to see the good and successful things in our lives. Self-respect on the other hand develops a solid foundation of authentic living, through incremental stages where we can be true to who we are and what is really going on. Self respect leads us to honour both the good and bad in ourselves, which makes us more accepting of and respectful to others. From here, true self worth blossoms into emotional maturity and growth. The journey from self respect to self worth and eventually authentic self love, requires courage, self-trust, honesty, realism and the ability to delay gratification.
Self-love is beyond our busy thoughts or emotional dealings. It is deeper than emotion or thought and definitely beyond the need to show we have it. Self love is independent of the material world and a state of being where we are just love itself. A peaceful contentment that needs no benchmark to measure itself or compare itself to others. It is also the being within, which does not even need a significant other to complete us, for we are in ourselves, complete already.
In the previous blog on "Why romantic love sometimes fails" I explained why falling in love out of need is not love at all and real love only begins when the romantic phase is over. That is because, needing others means we feel somehow incomplete ourselves and this is not self-love. This often leads to us doing everything for our romantic other, to hold onto what we have and we convince ourselves that love is just sacrifice. Thus, many accept disrespect or unhealthy behaviour patterns in their relationships, holding on to the ideal that unconditional love will win the day.
While
love is certainly about tolerance, patience and forgiveness, it is a
mistake and unloving to everyone involved to not honour your feelings in
the relationship with yourself or others. It is not self respect or
self love towards yourself if you do not feel your anger, or express
your doubt, pain and disappointment towards your partner. It is not love
to always ignore your feelings in order not to upset someone. In fact
you are then inauthentic to yourself. It might sound selfish to honour
your feelings first but if you don't, you can never really love someone
and that includes yourself. Too few discover this before they settle
down and start families.
Perhaps if more learnt how to love themselves without being selfish, they would make better relationship choices and be better parents long term with fewer divorces or separations. All too often, self respect and self love is learnt in the relationship where one suddenly sees that always putting the needs of others before their own, over time collects a deficit in the emotional bank and resentment erodes communication and feelings of passion. This severely limits the relationship growth. It is then that self awareness awakens and learning to honour one's deepest feelings kicks in. Very often, it is too late, the relationship has dissolved and children pay the price.
Nothing is more liberating than genuine love of the self. It brings a passion for life and respect for others. Happy people create happy families and these create healthy communities. Well balanced homes raise psychologically balanced kids where respectful self love, not worship, is learnt naturally. More people need to find their self love within and not without. It is much much more than just self-care, much more real than just selfies, shopping thrills, sexual escapades and emotionally empty searches for instant gratification. Self respect grows self love and guides us to better choices and better futures. All the kids of this world deserve it and so do you.
Perhaps if more learnt how to love themselves without being selfish, they would make better relationship choices and be better parents long term with fewer divorces or separations. All too often, self respect and self love is learnt in the relationship where one suddenly sees that always putting the needs of others before their own, over time collects a deficit in the emotional bank and resentment erodes communication and feelings of passion. This severely limits the relationship growth. It is then that self awareness awakens and learning to honour one's deepest feelings kicks in. Very often, it is too late, the relationship has dissolved and children pay the price.
Nothing is more liberating than genuine love of the self. It brings a passion for life and respect for others. Happy people create happy families and these create healthy communities. Well balanced homes raise psychologically balanced kids where respectful self love, not worship, is learnt naturally. More people need to find their self love within and not without. It is much much more than just self-care, much more real than just selfies, shopping thrills, sexual escapades and emotionally empty searches for instant gratification. Self respect grows self love and guides us to better choices and better futures. All the kids of this world deserve it and so do you.
